Along the course of between the previous post and this, two of the leaders that were supposed to come along won't be anymore. The second one particularly, I really felt it because she felt like a mom to us, and having her around made everything feel so safe. Perhaps that was why God chose to not let her go in the end - for me to rely on Him and not on human strength/humans. I remembered praying for the inexplainable peace when all these unexpected things took place. The news of such stuff really shot me into a mild panic mode, feeling alone in all this. But God really gave me this unexplainable peace that i can't even begin to describe. Even through the thick of my submissions and a 1001 things to do, I felt the peace. This was something I already knew was not by my own strength, but really God who granted me the peace that transcends all understanding. The timing of the last leader pulling out was so so timely. Had it been earlier, I might have not chose to go as well. After all, with only a one day break between Timor and my grad trip, it is really a bit risky.
This whole Timor trip is really a faith journey, right from the start of agreeing to go. Having such a short runway this time (we only met about 1.5 weeks back), I was so anxious with getting the funds. It was a crazy short time to raise all these funds in 2 weeks. Timor is all by chartered flights, and expenses are high as it's all in USD + hyperinflation. This whole fund raising thing really humbled me. I trusted God with so little faith. Initially, it was so so difficult to raise the funds, but towards the end of the 2 weeks, He just supplied. It was insane. We not only raised enough, but extra for us to have more leeway with our meals (it was $5 per day, lunch and dinner LOL) and even have emergency funds.
This brings me to the next point of what God really wanted me to learn:
Trusting Him to supply right at the time when we need it. Not too early, not too late, but RIGHT ON TIME. This whole year, it's been so much about not worrying a step ahead but taking things as they come. Also not worrying about uncertainty, but just trusting that God has already got that sorted out for me. Mission trips always train me, because they're all about uncertainty. There's no way you can plan a mission trip to a T because everything is mostly based on divine appointments and spontaneity.
The second learning point is also relying on His strength and not mine. This is the first time I'll be co-leading a trip. I never expected/wanted to co-lead or even lead anything to do with missions. It just scares me so much, how am I to even lead right? Feelings of inadequacy really threaten to creep in and sometimes it gets a bit much to handle. But it reminded me of this verse I got wayy before all these planning took place:
Jeremiah 1
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; i appointed you a prophet to the nations. Then I said 'Ah Lord! Behold, I do not know how to speak for I am only a youth.' But the Lord said to me, 'Do not say I am only a youth, for to all to whom I send you, you shall go; and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord."
Wahh this verse really spoke to me. I remember feeling a little nervous one day and I did my QT. Another verse came:
Ezekiel 34:25
The Lord's covenant of peace:
"I will make with them a covenant of peace and banish wild beasts from the land, so that they may dwell securely in the wilderness and sleep in the woods. And I will make them and the places all around my hill a blessing, and I will send down the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing."
This really spoke to me about living in the village.
So yes, trusting that God will provide each step of the way. May this trip be super memorable, where I'll be able to meet God and realign how I hear from Him.
This year it feels like my faith has been shaken - especially after all the guy nonsense and stuff. I guess it's really time to come back and hear properly from Him. Not sure how, but I guess God could work in my heart first. heh.
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