Timor Let's Go!

Leaving SG for Timor was something with much apprehension, I felt excited, yet at the same time, super nervous. But the days leading up to the trip, I recalled what Sandra told me when she prayed for me - "Courage isn't the absence of fear, but in knowing that Jesus' presence will always be with you". Boy did I only fully understand that statement fully when I was in the village those 5 days. Bade goodbye to the nice toilets and of course the parents who came to send me, Ps Kat put her arms around me and told me to not be afraid, at that moment I think I teared HAHAH so faster walk in so nobody would see that LOL.

The flight had super nice food... that I couldn't stomach. ahaha looking back I was pretty silly. Reached Dili, though the flight seemed to take forever, think the entertainment system on normal airplanes does make a difference. Everyone was scattered around the plane, I was the only one who got allocated to sit with my team mate, and to be honest thank God for that because it did help to ease the anxiousness. The runway was damn short, so the plane felt like it came to an abrupt halt. I remember stepping out into the Timor heat which was blazing. LIKE SCORCHING. Didn't help that the queue at the immigration was super long and we were the last. Was so absorbed in taking in everything - from the people to the surroundings. "oh wow beard papa opened" someone exclaimed. That was comforting. I thought to myself. Two ladies emerged with a life sized doll that to be honest was damn creepy. Just get through this sarah. It's only day 1, adjustment day, it's gonna be fine. Walked out to see Ps David from SG and Anabel receiving us. It was a nice comfort to see people picking us from the airport actually. Their kids all helped us with our baggage, I was beyond touched.

Reaching YWAM base was another eye opener. It was in the middle of a neighbourhood, with trash burning right outside, houses that looked barely developed, and just massive amounts of sand. I remembered thinking if the place was gonna be super run down, but to be honest, the warmth of the YWAM staff would make anywhere a place of comfort. They were so hospitable, making it a point to know our names, cooking for us, and just being so friendly. Managed to do my longest journaling there, probably because I couldn't really sleep, and probably because the room was a lot more comfortable than I imagined. The next day we'd leave for the village and round 2 of adapting again. But little did i know that the days in the village would teach me so much of dying to self and absolute reliance on Jesus.

The ride there was about 3 hours, but the scenery was AMAZING. an't even begin to describe how beautiful Timor waters are, they are just so so gorgeous. The ride was damn uncomfortable though, not sure if it's the Malaria pills or just motion sickness but it was not the most comfy ride I've been on. But cannot complain at all, cos Nich had to sit at the back of Anabel's 4 wheel drive inhaling all the dust omg.

Yup, that's how clear the water is. Certain parts even looked like how I imagine the Great Ocean Road to be.

Like such! This was taken otw back to base though, because there were roadworks, so the vehicles stopped and we could get off for a photo opp. HAHA Also, first prayer answered: the river we had to cross, didn't flood. The river was massive, and if it flooded, there was no way we could ever cross it!

How the river looks - MASSIVE.

Reached the YWAM place in Bahareduk and it was littered with massive amounts of cow and goat shit. The YWAM staff were super efficient, it made us feel a little useless actually. They got rid of the shit in less than half an hour, and all we could do was move aside for them to clear it out. To be on a mission trip and feel so useless... was something we all never really prepared ourselves for. Gonna be damn long listing it day by day, so I shall just summarise all that God's been showing me the whole trip.

• Dying to self

The need to feel useful, was in essence a lot of pride. We discussed this over debrief at one night and it was difficult at first, even now actually, to feel redundant at times. It's alot of self worth we place in ourselves. Like for once, you're not needed, or your help might actually slow things down. This forced me to just rest in that moment. Perhaps SG was just all constantly rushing, but because there was so much time to just chill, these pockets of time also allowed me to talk to the locals there, and just filling the need at that time. It felt really strange. No structure, just going with the flow. 

Dying to self also came in the most literal form. The village was just nothingness there. It was literally just grass, huts, animals, and... nothing much. No electricity meant we'd either bathe before the sun sets or bathe with the help of torches/candles. Bathing was old school - scooping water from a pail. No time for conditioner and whatnot, it was so cold and difficult to keep rinsing, so nope, not gonna bother HAHA. Eating with your head torch attracted flies, so you'd choose to eat in the dark. There were times when I'd on my light to return my plates and find dead flies on my plate. Not gonna think about what I just ate, so the following dinners were just dining with little or almost no light. After all, ignorance is bliss. 

Farming was a huge part of the work we did in Bahareduk. Mornings were for farming, and by the time we reached the 5th day, our arms were sore, and we were burnt. Whenever I felt uncomfortable or shag, I kept repeating in my head, die to yourself sarah, it's not about YOU. 

• Complete dependence on Jesus. 

Never thought I'd actually feel this alone ever. I mean exchange was 4 months away, but friends and fam were just a whatsapp away. Prayer requests could be sent in an instant, and that made a lot of difference. But being disconnected from the world also meant complete time devoted to Jesus. I remember the second day of the village, our first day of farming, I questioned how I'd be able to survive the remaining days. There were massive bouts of waiting, and just literally staring into space. (Timorese love siestas after lunch). Because the day started so early, the day always felt so long. The second day was definitely the hardest day for me, and because our team didn't really know each other beforehand, the free time wasn't spent talking nonsense/HTHTing etc. Those times I missed my CG mates/ friends & fam back home. Always thought how nice it would be to just HTHT with them under the night sky filled with stars, or the after lunch zoning out sessions. But I guess Jesus didn't plan for that because He wanted me to rely fully and totally  on Him. When I felt shitty, all I could turn to was talking and praying to Jesus. The first 2 days of adapting showed me how I had to fully rely on God's strength. I still remember devotion that day was led by Enkainia, and it was on this verse:

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many of you were influential, not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of hi, that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God - that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

It reminded me that when we are truly at our weakest, Jesus comes in and clothes us with strength, to remind us that nothing we do is of our own merit. For me, I never knew how much I depended on humans until I was in Bahareduk. There was no one to rant or to tell random prayer requests to. Look ahead, there was grass, look right and left, more grass, look up, to the vast sky above. Days in Bahareduk pushed me to really call upon Jesus entirely I can't even begin to explain how different my prayers were during the time in the village. Jesus does really hear each prayer and call for help, because each quiet time I was given so many verses of strength. Scribbled some in my journal:

"Be strong all you people of the land, declares the Lord, and work. For I am with you."

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself, each day has enough trouble of its own" Matthew 6:34 (This verse was really full blown in my face. Not a person who operates well without some plans, vague ones are fine too but in Timor, everything was so spontaneous. Christmas outreach service was planned the night before, the timing for the service was decided on the spot. House visits/children's activities were pretty much impromptu and that was something I had to adapt fast for) 

This verse was a clear reminder to stop worrying about the plans for the rest of the days, but to really just live in the moment and do what needs to be done at that point in time. 

There were many other verses too, each flip of the Bible would lead me to them, and it was how I knew Jesus was with me. No doubt it was scary at times, no doubt I felt alone at times but Jesus always gave me what I needed right when I needed it. I remember the day I was feeling my worst, we had to teach the little kids about hygiene, I was just thinking oh gosh how to act super happy now? Turned out the kids loved the balloons, and they made it all better that day. During QT before ministry time, I journaled: "Dear Lord, to be honest, I can't wait to go home, but I know you have a purpose here for me and you won't let me give up..." and whoa the kids were really a blessing that day. It was really when I got pushed to the limits of discomfort and alone-ness that I really understood what it meant to lean entirely and only on Jesus. But looking back at the journal entries, i really cringe HAHAHA

• Let the little children come to me

When I first got to Bahareduk, it was an intense culture shock for me. The kids were either naked or wore clothes that were super super dirty. None of them wore shoes, and until the last day when we gave them our clothes donations, did they change into a new outfit. Many of them were sick with mucus flowing out or dried up from their noses, many had those bloated bellies. Not sure what it is but i remember reading that it isn't good when kids have bloated bellies. House visit on the first day allowed me to realise why these were happening. The living conditions were not the best, it was quite bad actually, and it just makes you wonder how they could ever be living in places like these. For the first day, I didn't know or dare to be super super close to the kids. Perhaps the culture shock and adjustment into an entirely new place caused it, but I remember feeling terribly out of place. That night, QT was so so clear to me. Jesus rebuked my thoughts and clearly told me in these verses:

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck." Matthew 18:5

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these." Luke 18:16

I felt so grossed out that I even thought those thoughts. The remaining days I reminded myself to just immerse myself fully with the kids, and wah that was really really what got me through the days in Bahareduk. The kids' presence and joy when we gave them balloons filled my heart till it was full. It wasn't easy at the start for sure, to always remember to love like Jesus does.

• The parable of the sower

If you read one of my posts on Matthew 13, this would probably make sense. I never understood why that chapter was recurring this year, nonetheless I meditated on that chapter each time I flipped to it during QT. Little did I know that the whole chapter would come to life in Timor. Farming was an everyday activity in Bahareduk. It wasn't even like planting or harvesting, but the ploughing of the field. IT WAS CRAZY PHYSICAL. Each morning we'd spend about 5 hours on the field clearing out the weeds and rocks. We ploughed and scraped the field to make numerous mounts for them to plant crops later on in the year.

This is how the field looks like now. After all the farming, we managed about 10 mounts? The huge rocks were terribly difficult to remove. Wish I had a photo of the huge ass rocks, but I only have a video of it and it's too big to be uploaded oh well. Each day was like a reminder of the parable of the sower. How I needed to unweed my life of every single thing that's hindering my walk with Jesus. Ashau, one of the translators who was helping us with the farming told us that the weeds had to be removed because when rain comes and the weeds grow faster, the crops will die. I journaled that "Matthew 13 is a reminder to not let the worries of this world choke my walk with Jesus. Stop doubting the power of Jesus, learn to rest in Him. He gives you what you need just when you need it." I remember asking my cell mates why the weeds had to be fully grown before plucking them out, and I understood it when I was farming. If it wasn't grown out, it would be near impossible to pluck them out. For some reason this resonated with me. I always asked Jesus why my breakthrough had to take such a long time. And it made sense now. When I was more mature, spiritually mature as well, Jesus could begin His work in me, and I could have my breakthrough with this proper understanding of the God I chose to follow. The process of weeding was arduous, painful at times, but when we look back at the completion of the mounts, the pain of weeding and ploughing just dissolves. What a great reminder for my walk with Jesus. One of the verses I had before I left for Timor was also this:

18 Nov 2016: "When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually? Does he keep on breaking up and harrowing the soil?" Isaiah 28:24 Timor will grow you, take heart in Psalm 18: He enables me to stand on the heights, he trains my hands for battle.

Looking back, it all makes sense now, farming was something that God had planned for me to do, to completely understand why weeding had to take place, to remind me to not choke my walk with the worries of this world, and to keep moving onto greater and bigger things after each process was completed. Also this verse: Hebrews 12:11 "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." 

HAHA God is pretty humourous no? The whole farming theme throughout the year, and actually needing to do the farming at Timor LOL. Can't get any more real than this huh. 

• Perfect weather during Christmas outreach + recurring verses

It had been nice and sunny until the day before and during the Christmas outreach. As I looked upon the dark clouds, my heart sank. How was the Christmas outreach (outdoors) gonna take place? I just prayed a super simple prayer "God please hold the weather" or something along those lines, it was such a casual prayer that to be honest I never really put much thought into it. But WHOA it rained before the event, and rained after the event! It was as if God stopped the rain JUST FOR THE OUTREACH. OMGAHHH I can't even begin to described how shocked I was. But immensely thankful. SO SO THANKFUL. 

Also prayed to Jesus for a rainbow, because MuiSyn saw it the day before and I really wanted to see one?! and omg Jesus really heard me again and then she exclaimed "rainbow there!" Wahh was super happy.

Ok it's damn faint, so Idk if the computer can even see it HAHA but anyway point is I saw a rainbow! Also, the rain reminded me (since it was the last day of farming) that the rain is good for the soil too. And guess what, that day's QT was just on that again. 

"As the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth. It will not return to me empty but will accomplish what I desire." Isaiah 55:11

And strangely, I was following the devotional from Our Daily Bread and it spoke of how Elijah prayed so hard for rain even though God had already promised it, he went to the mountains to ask God for rain. It was just so apt cos I felt like this whole year was just a season of waiting for me. Waiting and waiting as you can probably tell from the previous posts HAHA. and guess what, as I was flipping through my journal, I realised that this verse was already written down on 9 Nov. To have this verse play out before my eyes, with the rain AND the rainbow, it was just... damn amazing. Was such a startling reminder for me in my season in life. That God's promises over my life, though it's been a few years and a long wait, will eventually come to pass!

• Following God's leading

The following day was my turn to share devotion, last day of Bahareduk, journey back to Dili. I was deliberating whether to share my testimony or my devotional. I prayed earnestly for Jesus to reveal His will to me for the sharing. Earnestly because... it would be a sharing in front of the New Community Church youths. SCARED LAAA later talk nonsense super laokui. But I knew Jesus would speak what He wanted to tell them through them, somehow. I went to sleep, even though I had the nudge to read my bible. I was selfish with my sleeping time because was really quite shag. As usual, disobedience doesn't have any good outcome - I woke countless times throughout that night. Was so frustrated I couldn't sleep so I opened my Bible to read. I told Jesus that if I got the same Isaiah 55 verse again, I would share my devotion instead. AND LO AND BEHOLD... ISAIAH 55 CAME UP. So I knew Jesus wanted me to share my devotional with the youths. I went to sleep feeling peace, but also trying to piece out my thoughts and how I would share it.

The next day, as we met with the youths, I was asked to share super abruptly omg I WAS STUNNED. Fumbled so much that I couldn't find my phone which had the ODB devotional. Thankfully Nich was beside me and he helped me to dig it out haha but yes somehow the sharing became on patience and how we need to never cease in prayer even though it does not seem like anything is happening. After that, during the dinner Ps Acy came to tell me how many youths are actually struggling with their faith and feeling quite discouraged. Then she said my sharing was super apt for them and she thanked me so much. Really really all by God's grace. Was immensely touched by the NCC youths, their simple faith, their sharing... omg I never felt so welcomed in my life especially with some sort of language barriers. And when we split into groups for testimony sharing, I was SO MOVED. Even managed to share my testimony, because some of them shared about how their families practised black magic and how difficult it would be to share the gospel. It just felt so right for me to share my testimony then. And to be honest hearing their testimonies and how they've been praying so hard for the salvation of their families really made me ashamed of how little I was praying for my own family/friends. Went home with a heart so full and warm from their hospitality. When Ps Acy gave me a parting hug, I teared. Idk why but it was just so overwhelming. Like there were so many youths who needed discipleship, so many youths struggling over there, but there's nothing much I could do except to keep them in prayer. It was so overwhelming.

Looking like saiii but yeah the youths! 

• Divine Appointments

We managed to meet Ps David from SG because the NCC youths timing wasn't confirmed and we got a little mixed up. Ps David was so kind enough to host us at his house, with ICE COLD WATERRRR. it was the best best thing ever. He shared his journey and how God led him all the way to Timor. It was like a 2 hour sharing? and the best part was... I sat next to him during our last dinner before coming home. Whatever he said felt like God was using him to speak to me. On closed doors. On how sometimes we kept fixing our eyes on the closed doors, not realising that we might be missing the open doors God has already opened for us. It was so apt for my season now. For a long time I've been yearning for and pining for the closed door, not realising that it was closed long ago. His sharing just sealed it for me. What's the open door, I don't know now, but okay Jesus will probably reveal it to me soon I guess. He also talked about how we can only be closed to God because of the shadow of the cross. God is light and therefore too holy and blinding for us to look straight at him. But whatever that's been done on the cross allows us to go straight to God. How then can we help people that's outside of our "shadow" (our God ordained path)? Only by drawing close to God, that's when the shadow of the cross enlarges and the people we need to help will be within reach, without us stepping out of the shadow of the cross. Not sure if I make sense but he said it so well so idk if i can replicate that. In essence it was to draw near to God, at the same time not move away from our God ordained destiny (fulfil His will/calling for our lives). Beyond touched to hear his sharing. It was amazing and such an honour.

Days in the village I made friends with Menna who's here for a month from Papua. And wah Jesus really used her to make me feel so comfortable. I remember when I was feeling super sian, she would be there for some reason(thank you Jesus), and we would have deep conversations despite her little english. We traded verses, what she told me really spoke to me, and the verse I shared sealed whatever God had been telling her that afternoon. Jesus really works in mysterious ways. She was truly a blessing.

"See you again! Not sure where but we will meet again!"

• Prayers answered

There were no rats! omg I slept the first night feeling so prepared for the rats to drop on me HAHAHA by the time the last night in the village came, my mosquito net was falling off and I couldn't be bothered to fix it, getting used to village life just when I was gonna leave LOL

The river didn't flood, even though it was raining that morning we left. LIKE WOW thank you Jesus!

Remainder photos! What a ride Timor has been. Jesus has been faithful, and it feels like it's just the start.

 YWAM kids #1

 YWAM Kid #2

 Eating coconuts from a villager's house, with chickens and dogs running around your legs omg what an exeprience

 Morning quiet time view

 Roadside with the amazing ocean

Bahareduk kids. The girl in white really stole my heart. Most kids there don't smile, or are apprehensive, not sure if it's cos of the culture or the domestic violence but she always always smiled at me! For 2 nights I woke in the middle of the night with flashbacks of the kids' faces and somehow it made my heart super heavy. Gonna print them photos to remind myself to pray for them always. 

The boy's toy was a saw?! We gave him a frisbee!

Last but not least, the team. Immensely grateful for Leong especially. Right from me entering CG, all the way to how similar our experiences are... Jesus really placed her in my life and I am so thankful for that :)

Matthew 24:14-30 The Parable of the Talents

Cell was on the topic of using our talents wisely. Gonna just write this down to keep track of my Bible studying haha.

What I've learnt from this passage is

• God gives each of us talents according to our own ability (v15)

There's no use comapring with people who "has much more". I used to envy how people always had talents that earned them approval from people - music, dance, art and the list goes on. I was terrible at these things. I never went past grade 1 piano, danced with 2 left feet, and always had my art pieces being looked down on. Always told my parents I never had any talents haha. Used to really wish I had or at least was good at one of them. But this verse reminded me, God gives us as much as He deems necessary. This includes our workload too. No point trying to see how much better people are in their jobs, or how attractive their jobs are, because where you are right now is right where God has placed you. He doesn't give me any more, any less, but just enough for me to handle EVERYTHING. The necessary talents to complete the job are also God given, as He deems fit.

• We have the freewill to choose what we want to do with our talents

We can choose to multiply our talents like the two servants, or choose to bury it like the foolish servant. The choice is ours. That's exactky how God created the world. He gave us free will, it's up to us to live a life according to His will or just do what you want to do with your life.

• What we do with our talents reflects how well we know our master who gave us those talents

The foolish servant said, "Master, I knew you are a hard man, and harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground." That was an assumption that his master wanted the seed to be buried. It was also partially due to the servant's laziness. But the point is, sometimes we always do things on assumption that God wants us to do this, or "oh God called me to this" etc. I make that mistake alot of times, mostly just swayed based on what I want to do, not what God wants me to do. Ascertaining His will is sometimes a long process, and the result of spending time with Him. I realise that it takes a few times of confirmation, a lot of quiet time and just really letting God's word sink in. I also realise it takes alot of surrender of what I want and just letting Him do what He wants. Sometimes we get so clouded with what we want to do that we just equate everything to doing "God's will". It is not easy I've found, and many atime I've got it wrong. Looking back, I never pressed in hard enough into God's word to truly be certain that that was His will, and not a selfish ambition of mine. Do I actually know God's heart? Did I know it at that time? Looking back, my answer would be a no. 

• How well we know our master depicts how close our relationship is with him

Think this is pretty self explantory - if we don't walk closely with God, we will never be able to discern His will. After work started, I found it increasingly hard to find time for God. It's true how if we don't allocate time for Him, we will never have time for Him. In this passage, the servant never once asked his master what should he do with the talent, but did what he did because he thought that was what the master wanted him to do. If we don't spend time to grow out relationship with Jesus, it is so easy to think He wants us to do so and so, which might not be the case. 

Wise stewardship is anchored upon A Right View of God Our Master. 

• Not realising our talents (even if it is small in our eyes) causes us to waste it away

I mentioned how I used to think I never had any talents? I think when we overlook and not realise what God has given us, but spend our time comparing about what we don't have, we ultimately waste our talents away. It could be a job that God has given, but because we keep comparing with our friends who have better jobs, we don't see the purpose we have in the current job and thus waste our talents away. What I learnt was that sometimes when we don't see it, we need to ask God, what have you given me? what am I supposed to do now? what is the purpose you have for me now? And I'm 100% sure He will reveal it to you. Only then will we not waste the talents and bury it away like the foolish servant.

• Wasting of our talents is not walking in God's will, it is ultimately not knowing His will for your life

This is just the next part of the story. If we don't walk in God's will, it is to put it bluntly, wasting our life here on earth, yet not even storing up our heavenly treasures. To a certain extent, it is also disobedience in my opinion. Knowing and walking in God's will is the purpose of life here on earth, and if we don't do just that, then simply put we are not walking in God's will for our lives which to me is disobedience. 

IDMC 2016: Marketplace Discipleship

So I went for my first ever full IDMC this year - means I took leave for it. God given opportunity definitely, and a for a super apt season of my life (internship).
Internship definitely opened my eyes to the working world, and the struggle of juggling ministry work and life is real. Not even kidding about that. There were days where I'd just be too shag to answer my mom's question of "how's your day?", or days where I reach home after cell and just crash, or days when there is sunbeam duty and getting out of bed is such a chore. Sunday after sunday was just a nap in the afternoon after church, knowing I'd need it for the week ahead. IDMC was def an open door, that was just right for the season I'm in now.

Truth be told I was SO SLEEPY yesterday and had to survive on snacks after snacks (yay for robinsons expo sale when we all stocked up on snacks HAHA). But what really struck me the most were today's messages and the workshop. Arrived super late on thursday night and was so annoyed that I had to miss worship, even more annoyed when I found out that I couldn't get to go for Ps Barney's workshop. But before registering I did have a hunch that I wouldn't be able to get the workshops cos I was late and these were done like 2 weeks before? So otw there I prayed and just went like okay God whichever workshop you want me to be in, I'll go. Got randomly assigned to workshop 3 and 2, and those that went for 2 didn't feel that impacted. To make things worse, I had to go alone for it. Though I was okay with it la because I was quite tired and didn't mind having some solitude. Almost wanted to take Delise's workshop (Ps barney's one) cos she wanted to go for 3 which was in the hall and didn't need a card to enter as the hall was big enough. When I called her, she didn't answer but when she returned my call, I had alr settled into workshop 2. haha definitely God planned cos the workshop spoke to me so much!

So these are the main points of the workshop, after which I'll put some pointers that spoke to me from the plenaries.

3 Common Challenges:

• To love & bear with difficult people who oppose me

This one is particularly difficult for me. To bear is still okay, but to love?! That takes it a step further, but I do hope that the least I could do is to pray for them. When things get hard and people are hard to love, I'll just give it to God.

• To endure with people who are incompetent

This one really tested my patience. haha in the midst of planning for events, definitely will meet with people who just don't give their best. But Ps Ed said yesterday, you have to look in the mirror first. If you think your boss is difficult, or if you think you have unmanageable subordinates, have you ever considered you are that difficult boss or that unmanageable employee? wah this one struck me the most. Eveytime we are quick to judge, we too have to remember that we are hu,am just like them and we too are imperfect. But where we are also meant that we were given chances by people who endured our incomptence, an groomed us to be who we are today. Particularly for me. Basically, we have to be less self entitled, get rid of the ego. 

• To let go of disappointments

Disappointments are always part and parcel of life. I think there will always be days when you expect but don't receive. Or you get the shorter end of the stick for no reason. I guess it pushed me to remind myself that nothing I own is ever mine, Everything is God's, every move or disappointment also didn't come as a surprise to God. He knew everything that was gonna happen. But what I picked up today was that when we do things, we don't focus on the outcome, we focus on Jesus who called us to finish the race. When we place our hope in Jesus, then disappointments will not happen because Jesus never disappointments. Whether the outcome is good or bad, in Jesus' eyes, there wasn't a mistake because it grew and moulded you as part of His plan to make us more Christ-like. One of the speakers said this, In times of failure, trust God's hand, surrender your disappointments and hurts with God as it is preparing your spiritual muscles. 

One term that was brought in was KPI - Kingdom Priority Indicators

The speakers mentioned how important it is to submit to bosses, whether you like them or not. A new change in perspective was, if we can't even submit and show respect to earthly authority that was God given, how can we submit to God? The speaker mentioned how he always felt like he was just helping his boss reach his KPI, but he changed his perspective and realised that it pleases God when he has a right relationship with his boss which will in turn create a good relationship. If we learn to submit to our bosses, we can live to please and submit to God. Now you might think what if my boss is freaking difficult to deal with? The answer to that would be that everything is already ordained by Jesus. Every person in your life has already been planned out by God. There was never a mistake. Difficult people are there for a reason to mould us and change us to be better people. It struck me that perhaps we find that person difficult because we haven't reached that standard of the person. I mean I'm not talking about unreasonable standards, but sometimes we complain and whine so much about things that could be there to push us to be better, to be a competent worker. And if God doesn't make a mistake with whoever He wants us to meet, surely every single difficult person is there to push us to be a more effective worker. If not to push us for excellence, then perhaps they could be there to train an aspect of our personality that God wants us to improve on. Patience and anger management for example. Nothing is ever a mistake. Looking back, I can only be thankful for everyone God has placed in my life, that pushed me to be better. The process was painful, really painful sometimes, with tears involved. Ultimately as you begin grinding and polishing away the rough edges, you get a shinier and hardier rock - it was only there to make us more and more Christ-like. I also believe that earthly authority is God-ordained and for that, no matter how difficult it gets, submission to earthly authority pleases God because it is also a great testimony for fellow unbelievers in the workplace. (Responding in love to show Christ's love to others)

When it gets tough, trust and go back to God's word, because in every difficult and shitty situation at work, God has seen it all, and He knew the solution before the problem already came up. If you were walking in obedience of course. And face it, we all gonna have conflicts, even within the team. Because I'm sure everyone knows by now that an effective team comes from a diverse group of people. 

• Get ready for heaven through humility and holiness
• God placed you in a specific place where ONLY YOU can do what God has called you to do. '

3 unchanging truths:

• There's a greater world to live for
• There is inner world to conquer - within yourself
• There is a lost world to save

IDMC also woke me up to not be selfish with my money. UGH intern life is so shag sometimes, no paid leave etc etc. It's really something I struggle with but Ps Ed said God looks at the money in relation to your heart. If you are selfish with that $100, it is not worth more than someone who cheerfully and willingly gave that $1 which was all she had with her. Reminder to stop shopping so much also because money is hard to earn and it could be used for other better causes like missions. Being selfish with money is not honouring God at all, because if you think about it, everything is a gift from God in the first place.

It also reminded me how God looks at the journey while the world looks at the outcome. The world will judge based on how well something turned out, but in God's eyes, the journey is more important because the journey is where I grew. The journey is the place where it built my faith, and moulded me. Outcomes are just superficial analyses of the journey that you have been on. And well, the world is superficial, sadly.

He ended the last session with this verse that so happened to be devotion tonight:

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes from faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. - Philippians 3:7-9

okay too shag from the past days, this is probably just a gist but yes incredibly blessed for sure. The application part is the challenge now HAHA.

Matthew 13

1) Watch and make sure the seed grows - through understanding of the word.

V 19 says "When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart". This is really really tricky. To fully grasp and understand God's word isn't easy. It often requires a lot of time of patience. Sometimes or most of the time, we demand God to give us an answer, to show us a clear CLEAR sign, but it just doesn't happen all the time. When the spiritual realm of things gets brought in, it becomes even more challenging. This is especially so for new believers who may find it hard to grasp to understand God's word and to wait, even in the silence when God doesn't immediately produce a visual sign. And sometimes, when we don't press on in prayer for them, what was sown can just be gone. I know, because... a friend became one of those who had even more questions that when I first met him, his heart was harder than when I first sowed the seed. I think it's a good wake up call to watch when we sow the seed. Even when it feels helpless, and you don't see a change, keep praying. It's the only effective tool against the unseen realm that we're all fighting. Perhaps praying is an effective way of "watering" the seed, making sure the seed manages to set its roots deep first, so someone else can do the "growing" and the harvest even when you're gone.

2) Where the seed grows determines how fruitful your life will be.

"The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful. But the one who received the seed that fell on good soil is the man who hears the word and understands it. He produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown." v 22-23

Thinks this verse is quite self explanatory. We can watch how fruitful our life will be. Being crippled by worry and fear makes one's life less fruitful than what God intended.

3) You have a choice - to remove the weeds, and let the seed grow. It is in YOUR control.

It is up to you to make the choice to begin the work of unweeding. God gives us freewill. You can continue in doing things that don't give you peace, OR you can turn to God and let Him begin His restoration and transformation in your life. The question is, are YOU willing to let go and let Him take the centremost place in your life? It's your call. Same verse quote as point 2.

4) Unweeding takes a lot of patience and pain, but it is necessary v29

"because while you are pulling up the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest."

We can't always protect ourselves from every ungodly sin especially in the growing up years.  I was a little clueless about this part - it mentioned waiting for the weeds to grow first before gathering them and pulling them out together which is kinda weird. But kyla mentioned weeds bring growth and without them, we'd lose the harvest of the wheat as well. Ie - removing the weeds (bad stuff/sin in life) also removes any growth that these could potentially bring. I'd like to think of it as growing up in the spiritual maturity to discern what is right or wrong and then pulling the weeds out. Because then, we'd have grown and be mature enough to know which are the right weeds to pull. This honestly felt like the intense growth journey I've been on since joining covenant. When the aunties told me the maturity that I have now as compared to when I was a child helped me to understand God's word in my life and so, have breakthroughs in ways I never thought was possible, with prayer and God's help of course. I suppose maturity helps us to reason and to know right from wrong, in view of God's word, in the midst of all the uncertainty and questioning in the world. Which is this week's DJ verse:

"Then we will no longer be infants tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ" Eph 4:14-15

The weeds in my heart grew and kept on growing. Until it reached a point when I knew it was crippling me, and what I could be doing for Christ. That was when I decided enough was enough, and began to gather my "weeds" and unweed them once and for all. I'll probably blog about my spiritual breakthrough in time to come, but looking back on the past year, I can only thank God for seeing me through it all. Nothing without His help at all. If anything, there's never too much on depending on Jesus because He never fails. Unweeding was painful, but necessary.

5) The mustard seed. 

This spoke of how the kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, the smallest seed of all, "yet when it grows it becomes the largest garden of plants and becomes a tree..."

I felt this spoke to me the most. Pd Ed talked about how as a young boy he made a casual prayer to God about using him to change the world. Not knowing where he'd be now. I remember my younger self crying out to God during worship to "use me" HAHHA NOW I ABIT SCARED LOL.
But anyway I do feel a little too small sometimes to be used by God. Perhaps when I share about my spiritual breakthrough, you'd understand why. But this parable reminded me of how God always uses the smallest and the weak because that's when His strength is displayed - in our weaknesses.

So I started praying about my calling after Tim started sharing about his calling during supper at YMEFLC last weekend. Then it dawned on me that I AM HIS AGE OMG i need to start asking God where He wants me to be. Not entirely sure if it's marketplace or ministry now. But ultimately I'd wanna be serving a lot more in ministry in the future. Even though I really love my job now. I guess it's a different kind of satisfaction. BUT yup pocketfuel on insta has been talking about the mustard seed as well. So let's see what else God deposits in my heart these few days/weeks/months of praying.

// Not sure if it's the busyness of work, or the increased QT time with God, but my soul does feel a whole lot rested now. Strange how my QT is actually more effective when work starts. I think less time to procrastinate HAHA or maybe some time pressure works for me.

Side note this post has been under drafts for almost a week. Work's been pretty busy this week, and since tmr is a PH i decided to just finish this ASAP. sigh. Another crazy weekend, but can't wait to write about self worth, spiritual breakthroughs, and the power of the tongue. At least that's what's on my mind.

Nothing without Christ

Really q shag today even though I had a damn long nap after church. Prayed for strength throughout today's services and whacked some coffee just so I could be a little high during kids' worship HAHA.

Today was a little more painful though. Idk what's with sundays sometimes, but today was one where the self esteem sorta plummeted. Where everything everyone said just seemed to... let's just say, not pleasing to the ears. Came back to sleep for a little while before dragging myself out to run with the parents. Went in the opposite direction just so I could have some alone time with God too.

Came back and the words people said today were still stinging to be honest. The book of James has been a really good read today. After bathing and all I decided to do some QT cos I've been waking so friggin early that QT in the morning has been so so bad. Strummed the same old simple songs on the guitar and I really didn't know what to read. SO I read the first thing that I opened - 1 Corinthians. Instead of a topical post I'm just gonna share what I picked up before crashing again.

Been also praying for direction as to which ministry/whether I should move over to covenant east etc and sometimes people aren't all that encouraging when you tell them your plan. But you know, God's been really good today and revealed to me so many comforting verses with whatever He wants me to do (still in the process of finding out what), but yeahhh.

1. God equips the weak for ministry work

Look at what Paul wrote in 1 Cor 2:1 - "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God." Then in verse 3 he continues -"I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith may not rest on men's wisdom but on God's power." 

Wow this really, really spoke to me. I felt so... inadequate today. Almost as if I wasn't gonna be good enough to serve God, I questioned myself and whether I was even prepared to take on something bigger. But this reminded me that everything we do in God's kingdom is first equipped by God himself. Nobody is ever ready to begin with, but we don't use our own strength to do it, God equips when He leads.

This was a coincidental verse in Joyce Meyer today. The exact same verse was used. Which brings me to the next point.

2.  Not everything can be reasoned by human wisdom

Joyce Meyer wrote: "You must lay aside carnal reasoning if you expect to have discernment." She talked about how Paul dealt with all the smart people in Corinth at that time who always needed answers and logic and reasons as to why things are this way. Which reminded me of a rather heated debate I had with a relatively close friend. His reasoning was about the same as J the very first time I asked him about his beliefs. Sometimes I wished I had the brain of Paul who taught so many people.  But in Chapter 3 he wrote "For the wisdom of the world is foolishness in God's sight". We often think we know so much, and how our reasoning needs to be like how the world reasons. But sometimes using how the world reasons isn't gonna get us answers to everything. In 1 Cor 2:14: "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him". Perhaps what we think we know is different from what God knows, and maybe what we even reason and rationalize based on worldly standards might all be wrong. It is difficult to explain to people most of the time, because we are after all, all carnal beings. But time spent with God will reveal His wisdom that will aid us in discerning things in life.

3. God sees the motive and the heart of your actions

This was pretty scary to me. I set me questioning every single motive I have for my actions, from serving to the things I say etc. 1 Cor 4:5: "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts."

wowow. Yknow how things appear to others how you'd like them to appear? (manipulating emotions is something alot of us subconsciously do actually). To think that God will expose our true motives and intentions of everything we say and do... is pretty damn scary to say the least.

4. Take action

1 Cor 4:20 - "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power."

This resonated with Ps Ed's sermon today. There is always something to be done in God's kingdom. You can't always say "I'm not ready". Because, let's face it, we'll all never be ready. He then added, if you need more knowledge then go get it. In other words he meant that if you think you're lacking somewhere and that's preventing you from taking the next step, do something about it. Don't sit around and let others (proxy as he calls it) do the work for you. I think everyone has a part to play. And as I was sitting by ECP today after my run, I opened my bible app and talked to God about my inadequacies. And I got this: The heading was "confirming one's calling" - “For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.”

2 Peter 1:5-9 NIV

This reminds us to take action and continue moving in becoming more Christ-like. As long as we possess the qualities in increasing measure, somehow we will be able to be blessed to be a blessing to others. Sure the start isn't easy, but we all gotta start.

5. Sexual sin is sinning against your own body

So this is just a side point. Came across this and never realised how other sins are actually externally related, like lying/murder/idolatry etc. But sexual sin "is (sinning) against his own body" - 1 Cor 6:18

hmm was a good food for thought. 

Okay pretty much too shag to continue. Not even sure if what I wrote makes sense but yup. 

Total Surrender

Of course, with letting go, comes surrendering. Are they not the same things you ask? Almost. Except that, letting go does not entail giving up control of what is to come. For example, as a parent, you let go of your child's hand, but there are so many things you'd like him to do and maybe you try to guide him to do just that. That's not giving up control. Letting him explore what he wants to do without your influence is giving up the control you have over him at that moment. That to me is surrendering.

In the past, I told myself, okay, let's surrender now, I'll let go of so and so. Then there I was swiping  tinder, not trusting that God would bring who I needed at the right and opportune time. Of course I paid for my actions, I had to bear the consequences of my impatience. There's a fine line between "making things happen" and trusting God that it will happen. Sometimes in the excruciating wait, peer pressure from people who go "you so old, haven't find boyfriend yet, go do something about it", and even remarks from your previous love to give tinder a try because he totally has moved on; you get inpatient. Frustrated even. It's not surprising that you'll take things into your own hands, try to make your own destiny happen. While sometimes it may work, like how hardwork and perseverance pays off. However when God tells you to be patient and wait, yet you do otherwise, you know you just dug your own grave.

Surrendering is difficult. Really difficult. And I can see why, especially in Singapore, where everyone is just rushing EVERYWHERE. There's no time to sit back and wait. Everything must be done now, now and NOW. If you sit back and relax a little, people talk, making you feel idle. If you could do something about it, why don't you? If you could get that high paying job, why don't you? If you want that pretty girl, why don't you do something? If you want that hot beach bod, why are you sitting and eating that tub of ice cream? I think we've all been brought up in a society where if we want something, we have to work for it. It's all within our reach, ALL, EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, it is true to a certain extent, and we do have to work for things. After all Ecclesiastes 10:18  states that "Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks." We're not called to just sit back and relax and watch whatever we want appear in front of our eyes. But here's also the danger - there will be things that we cannot control, things that no matter how much we fight and work for it, when God says no, it is a no. When God says wait, you jolly well better wait.

Surrendering is a constant struggle for me, because when things don't go the way I want it to, I try to make it happen the way I want it to. Even if God says no. This causes a lot of actions to be undone, a lot of time to go to waste, which in turn creates a heck load of frustration. Frustration with myself, frustration with God. Then I find myself back at square one. It is so exasperating to go one whole round only to realise you're back where you first started. Over the past week of letting go, I found it hard to surrender. I told God I've already let go, but why, why am I feeling so broken inside? Why does it still hurt and sting so badly. Why isn't everything going the way I wanted it to? What is with all these tears I can't put into words? Why is it that even the person who caused hurt has his life all nicely panned out?
Then as I was talking to Lin today telling her how everything is just going terrible, she told me to keep pressing on in prayer. Which was what I've been getting the past week too. This verse -
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my saviour."
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Then I went for a run, did some circuit in the gym to get my thoughts sorted. Also read through Joyce Meyer's devotion which was pretty much the inspiration for today's post. It was titled, "Choose to surrender". It then dawned on me, I have let go, but i never truly surrendered. There I was picking up all the pieces, trying to analyse why did things turn out this way. With every piece I let go, I unconsciously picked up other pieces that showed I haven't surrendered.
The devotion said:

"God has given us a free will, and the only way we will ever belong to Him completely is to give ourselves freely to Him. He will never force us to love Him or serve Him. He will speak to us, lead us, guide us, and prompt us, but He will always leave the decision to surrender up to us."

So tonight, I choose to surrender. I choose to wake up every morning and pray "Your will be done, not mine". With surrendering, comes a lot of patience. Patience to wait on what God has promised. In an old sermon last year or so, the pastor told us, "surrendering is not giving up, it is letting go of the control, and letting God take the wheel." Today during worship God gave me a vision. There He was trying to wrap me in His embrace, yet there I was pushing Him away. But as I asked myself why? I realised that I have been so stubborn and in that process, maybe a little angry with God. I remembered going back to His embrace and returning the hug. And guess what, an image of a broken heart was taken from me, and He gave me a new, whole, and restored heart. It hit me then that only if I let God do the work and run back into His embrace will all this pain heal. The final song was the kids song "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so", which I began to tear and couldn't voice the words. I knew Jesus loves me, but do I really really know it or do I choose to not believe it?

Only in total surrender will God start to begin His work in our lives, because that's when we stop forcing our own destiny and start being obedient to His purposes. That's not a sign of weakness and idleness, but knowing that there's a higher being who knows best and we can rest in that knowledge. 

Surrendering, just like forgiveness and letting go, is a conscious effort. You don't do it just once. You do it again and again, and again.

Letting Go

This week has been pretty trying. This week was also when I stepped in to new, albeit temporary phase in life.

This week has been a lot of tears, a lot of adjustments, and probably a lot of self inflicted heartache.

But this week, I chose to let go of something that I’ve been holding on for a good 5 years. When I mean let go, I mean REALLY letting go. Which included bursting the bubble of the person returning, throwing everything that reminded me of him as well. Strangely though, it was a feeling of relief. Each time things didn’t work out with someone else, I’d always think, okay maybe God is trying to say, it is him all along. I burst that stupid bubble too. With that decision, I found myself letting go of all the past hurts which included forgiving as well. Forgiving the ones that didn’t work out, forgiving myself for perhaps not being able to work it out and beating myself up for it.

What’s different was that, in the 5 years, it was so easy or rather, easier to let go, cos I only did so when someone else could fill the void. Someone else that told me he wasn’t worth it, his loss, someone who, to put it simply “loved” me. This time though, letting go was painful because, God spoke to me about it on Instagram - Abraham letting go of Isaac. And Isaac was his ONLY son. He didn’t let go of Isaac just because he knew he had a back up. But he did so knowing that it was God’s will and God knew best. I realised that unknowingly in the 5 years, the thing I was holding onto, became my Isaac. Letting go each year was so easy because I always had someone else there. Someone else who proved (at that time) to be much better. But then when things fell apart, I realised that maybe I have never really fully let go. This week was painful because I knew I had to do it. I fought every urge to text him, I fought away every thought of a possibility of him returning. It was a constant battle of the heart and mind. Then I also had to fight the hurt inflicted from someone who, 6 months back almost came close to being my “light at the end of the end of the tunnel”. The one who did bring sunshine on the rainy days yet the one who caused my world to fall apart too.

Then it made me realise this time that… You know maybe year after year, God was trying to tell me that maybe the only one who can fully truly help me to let go and fill the void was Him. That no other human could help me fill that void. Honestly speaking, it’s so damn easy to say, but I can tell you, it’s damn difficult to do. When you always had a “back up plan”, now you’re back at ground zero, with nothing. Literally nothing.

There were days during the week, almost everyday, I’d wake and ask God, how long? Have you forgotten me? Why does it seem you have a plan for everyone BUT ME? It was hard. Catching yourself tearing on bus rides to meet your friends, trying to appear neutral when all you feel like is breaking down. Your mind will flutter to thoughts of your first love that didn’t work out because of religion. Your thoughts will tell you that maybe all this waiting wasn’t worth it. When the Aunty prayed over you and told you “God will not shortchange you”, you doubt it. Your doubt every word of it. You asked God if everything you’ve been hearing was all a lie. If giving up a great love at that time was worth it.

But yesterday, I questioned, what does it mean to truly, TRULY let go? I cleared something that meant a lot to me - the flowers sitting on my table, the ones that never died. The soft toy on my bed since 4 years ago. With that, I threw away a quarter of my life. Naturally, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I felt empty. And this time there wasn’t anyone to fill it, even the words people said were cutting. It didn’t help that it was the truth, and as much as you’d like to believe the good in the people you dated/liked etc etc, you knew deep inside your friends and fam were right. Your stomach does a churn and you feel sick inside, pain, to be exact.

But I listened to a sermon by ps Judah smith. Knew him from the Seattle conf I went. He talked about the disciples on the boat. He also mentioned how God is an anchor of our lives. And many atime we don’t see God’s had at work, because well, anchors can’t be seen. All we see and feel are the waves and wind of this life. It scares us, hurts us, and might even endanger us. But what we forget, is that anchors can’t be seen, but they are at work. Guiding us, pulling us down. He also mentioned that God isn’t a “helicopter God”. He brings us through the pains of this life, WITH us, anchoring us so that we’d get through the pain. He then ended with “when God promises, He delivers. Don’t give up.”

Tonight as I did quiet time, with a whole shit load of qns for God. Being tired of keeping the faith, morale was an all time low, but I read this:

“Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?”
Does you work say “He has no hands?”
Wow to him who says to his father, “what have you begotten?”
OR to his mother, what have you brought to birth.

This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel, and its maker; concerning things to come, do you question me about my children or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. I marshalled their starry hosts.“

Iasiah 45:9-12

Hit me hard. Everyday as I do QT God speaks. Like forgiving a brother in Christ, and being slow to judge him because I too probably do the same things. Everyday was tough this week. Everyday I still question. But Joyce Meyer devotion spoke to me too, and I could use it for cell as I led worship. Trust God, with the right attitude. That was how Joseph got from the pit to the palace. The right attitude. It’s difficult, but I know it’s the only way God’s purposes will come to pass. Last night’s worship song was deeper in love; which has been on my heart in the past weeks, and as I was scrolling though the DJ, I randomly stopped at that page cos someone called me out, when I came back it was the song I knew I had to use for worship.

"There is a longing, only You can fill.
A raging tempest, only You can still.”

Wanlin sent us her calendar verse of the day, and it said, “only when you let go of the "good” things, will better things come"
How apt.
People ask how dyou know God is real? When He speaks like this. In subtle messages over the week(s) meaning the same things. Walking by faith and not by sight is tough, but not everything needs to be seen with the eye to be real.

Only Jesus.