Total Surrender

Of course, with letting go, comes surrendering. Are they not the same things you ask? Almost. Except that, letting go does not entail giving up control of what is to come. For example, as a parent, you let go of your child's hand, but there are so many things you'd like him to do and maybe you try to guide him to do just that. That's not giving up control. Letting him explore what he wants to do without your influence is giving up the control you have over him at that moment. That to me is surrendering.

In the past, I told myself, okay, let's surrender now, I'll let go of so and so. Then there I was swiping  tinder, not trusting that God would bring who I needed at the right and opportune time. Of course I paid for my actions, I had to bear the consequences of my impatience. There's a fine line between "making things happen" and trusting God that it will happen. Sometimes in the excruciating wait, peer pressure from people who go "you so old, haven't find boyfriend yet, go do something about it", and even remarks from your previous love to give tinder a try because he totally has moved on; you get inpatient. Frustrated even. It's not surprising that you'll take things into your own hands, try to make your own destiny happen. While sometimes it may work, like how hardwork and perseverance pays off. However when God tells you to be patient and wait, yet you do otherwise, you know you just dug your own grave.

Surrendering is difficult. Really difficult. And I can see why, especially in Singapore, where everyone is just rushing EVERYWHERE. There's no time to sit back and wait. Everything must be done now, now and NOW. If you sit back and relax a little, people talk, making you feel idle. If you could do something about it, why don't you? If you could get that high paying job, why don't you? If you want that pretty girl, why don't you do something? If you want that hot beach bod, why are you sitting and eating that tub of ice cream? I think we've all been brought up in a society where if we want something, we have to work for it. It's all within our reach, ALL, EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, it is true to a certain extent, and we do have to work for things. After all Ecclesiastes 10:18  states that "Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks." We're not called to just sit back and relax and watch whatever we want appear in front of our eyes. But here's also the danger - there will be things that we cannot control, things that no matter how much we fight and work for it, when God says no, it is a no. When God says wait, you jolly well better wait.

Surrendering is a constant struggle for me, because when things don't go the way I want it to, I try to make it happen the way I want it to. Even if God says no. This causes a lot of actions to be undone, a lot of time to go to waste, which in turn creates a heck load of frustration. Frustration with myself, frustration with God. Then I find myself back at square one. It is so exasperating to go one whole round only to realise you're back where you first started. Over the past week of letting go, I found it hard to surrender. I told God I've already let go, but why, why am I feeling so broken inside? Why does it still hurt and sting so badly. Why isn't everything going the way I wanted it to? What is with all these tears I can't put into words? Why is it that even the person who caused hurt has his life all nicely panned out?
Then as I was talking to Lin today telling her how everything is just going terrible, she told me to keep pressing on in prayer. Which was what I've been getting the past week too. This verse -
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my saviour."
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Then I went for a run, did some circuit in the gym to get my thoughts sorted. Also read through Joyce Meyer's devotion which was pretty much the inspiration for today's post. It was titled, "Choose to surrender". It then dawned on me, I have let go, but i never truly surrendered. There I was picking up all the pieces, trying to analyse why did things turn out this way. With every piece I let go, I unconsciously picked up other pieces that showed I haven't surrendered.
The devotion said:

"God has given us a free will, and the only way we will ever belong to Him completely is to give ourselves freely to Him. He will never force us to love Him or serve Him. He will speak to us, lead us, guide us, and prompt us, but He will always leave the decision to surrender up to us."

So tonight, I choose to surrender. I choose to wake up every morning and pray "Your will be done, not mine". With surrendering, comes a lot of patience. Patience to wait on what God has promised. In an old sermon last year or so, the pastor told us, "surrendering is not giving up, it is letting go of the control, and letting God take the wheel." Today during worship God gave me a vision. There He was trying to wrap me in His embrace, yet there I was pushing Him away. But as I asked myself why? I realised that I have been so stubborn and in that process, maybe a little angry with God. I remembered going back to His embrace and returning the hug. And guess what, an image of a broken heart was taken from me, and He gave me a new, whole, and restored heart. It hit me then that only if I let God do the work and run back into His embrace will all this pain heal. The final song was the kids song "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so", which I began to tear and couldn't voice the words. I knew Jesus loves me, but do I really really know it or do I choose to not believe it?

Only in total surrender will God start to begin His work in our lives, because that's when we stop forcing our own destiny and start being obedient to His purposes. That's not a sign of weakness and idleness, but knowing that there's a higher being who knows best and we can rest in that knowledge. 

Surrendering, just like forgiveness and letting go, is a conscious effort. You don't do it just once. You do it again and again, and again.