Letting Go

This week has been pretty trying. This week was also when I stepped in to new, albeit temporary phase in life.

This week has been a lot of tears, a lot of adjustments, and probably a lot of self inflicted heartache.

But this week, I chose to let go of something that I’ve been holding on for a good 5 years. When I mean let go, I mean REALLY letting go. Which included bursting the bubble of the person returning, throwing everything that reminded me of him as well. Strangely though, it was a feeling of relief. Each time things didn’t work out with someone else, I’d always think, okay maybe God is trying to say, it is him all along. I burst that stupid bubble too. With that decision, I found myself letting go of all the past hurts which included forgiving as well. Forgiving the ones that didn’t work out, forgiving myself for perhaps not being able to work it out and beating myself up for it.

What’s different was that, in the 5 years, it was so easy or rather, easier to let go, cos I only did so when someone else could fill the void. Someone else that told me he wasn’t worth it, his loss, someone who, to put it simply “loved” me. This time though, letting go was painful because, God spoke to me about it on Instagram - Abraham letting go of Isaac. And Isaac was his ONLY son. He didn’t let go of Isaac just because he knew he had a back up. But he did so knowing that it was God’s will and God knew best. I realised that unknowingly in the 5 years, the thing I was holding onto, became my Isaac. Letting go each year was so easy because I always had someone else there. Someone else who proved (at that time) to be much better. But then when things fell apart, I realised that maybe I have never really fully let go. This week was painful because I knew I had to do it. I fought every urge to text him, I fought away every thought of a possibility of him returning. It was a constant battle of the heart and mind. Then I also had to fight the hurt inflicted from someone who, 6 months back almost came close to being my “light at the end of the end of the tunnel”. The one who did bring sunshine on the rainy days yet the one who caused my world to fall apart too.

Then it made me realise this time that… You know maybe year after year, God was trying to tell me that maybe the only one who can fully truly help me to let go and fill the void was Him. That no other human could help me fill that void. Honestly speaking, it’s so damn easy to say, but I can tell you, it’s damn difficult to do. When you always had a “back up plan”, now you’re back at ground zero, with nothing. Literally nothing.

There were days during the week, almost everyday, I’d wake and ask God, how long? Have you forgotten me? Why does it seem you have a plan for everyone BUT ME? It was hard. Catching yourself tearing on bus rides to meet your friends, trying to appear neutral when all you feel like is breaking down. Your mind will flutter to thoughts of your first love that didn’t work out because of religion. Your thoughts will tell you that maybe all this waiting wasn’t worth it. When the Aunty prayed over you and told you “God will not shortchange you”, you doubt it. Your doubt every word of it. You asked God if everything you’ve been hearing was all a lie. If giving up a great love at that time was worth it.

But yesterday, I questioned, what does it mean to truly, TRULY let go? I cleared something that meant a lot to me - the flowers sitting on my table, the ones that never died. The soft toy on my bed since 4 years ago. With that, I threw away a quarter of my life. Naturally, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I felt empty. And this time there wasn’t anyone to fill it, even the words people said were cutting. It didn’t help that it was the truth, and as much as you’d like to believe the good in the people you dated/liked etc etc, you knew deep inside your friends and fam were right. Your stomach does a churn and you feel sick inside, pain, to be exact.

But I listened to a sermon by ps Judah smith. Knew him from the Seattle conf I went. He talked about the disciples on the boat. He also mentioned how God is an anchor of our lives. And many atime we don’t see God’s had at work, because well, anchors can’t be seen. All we see and feel are the waves and wind of this life. It scares us, hurts us, and might even endanger us. But what we forget, is that anchors can’t be seen, but they are at work. Guiding us, pulling us down. He also mentioned that God isn’t a “helicopter God”. He brings us through the pains of this life, WITH us, anchoring us so that we’d get through the pain. He then ended with “when God promises, He delivers. Don’t give up.”

Tonight as I did quiet time, with a whole shit load of qns for God. Being tired of keeping the faith, morale was an all time low, but I read this:

“Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?”
Does you work say “He has no hands?”
Wow to him who says to his father, “what have you begotten?”
OR to his mother, what have you brought to birth.

This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel, and its maker; concerning things to come, do you question me about my children or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. I marshalled their starry hosts.“

Iasiah 45:9-12

Hit me hard. Everyday as I do QT God speaks. Like forgiving a brother in Christ, and being slow to judge him because I too probably do the same things. Everyday was tough this week. Everyday I still question. But Joyce Meyer devotion spoke to me too, and I could use it for cell as I led worship. Trust God, with the right attitude. That was how Joseph got from the pit to the palace. The right attitude. It’s difficult, but I know it’s the only way God’s purposes will come to pass. Last night’s worship song was deeper in love; which has been on my heart in the past weeks, and as I was scrolling though the DJ, I randomly stopped at that page cos someone called me out, when I came back it was the song I knew I had to use for worship.

"There is a longing, only You can fill.
A raging tempest, only You can still.”

Wanlin sent us her calendar verse of the day, and it said, “only when you let go of the "good” things, will better things come"
How apt.
People ask how dyou know God is real? When He speaks like this. In subtle messages over the week(s) meaning the same things. Walking by faith and not by sight is tough, but not everything needs to be seen with the eye to be real.

Only Jesus.