Nothing without Christ

Really q shag today even though I had a damn long nap after church. Prayed for strength throughout today's services and whacked some coffee just so I could be a little high during kids' worship HAHA.

Today was a little more painful though. Idk what's with sundays sometimes, but today was one where the self esteem sorta plummeted. Where everything everyone said just seemed to... let's just say, not pleasing to the ears. Came back to sleep for a little while before dragging myself out to run with the parents. Went in the opposite direction just so I could have some alone time with God too.

Came back and the words people said today were still stinging to be honest. The book of James has been a really good read today. After bathing and all I decided to do some QT cos I've been waking so friggin early that QT in the morning has been so so bad. Strummed the same old simple songs on the guitar and I really didn't know what to read. SO I read the first thing that I opened - 1 Corinthians. Instead of a topical post I'm just gonna share what I picked up before crashing again.

Been also praying for direction as to which ministry/whether I should move over to covenant east etc and sometimes people aren't all that encouraging when you tell them your plan. But you know, God's been really good today and revealed to me so many comforting verses with whatever He wants me to do (still in the process of finding out what), but yeahhh.

1. God equips the weak for ministry work

Look at what Paul wrote in 1 Cor 2:1 - "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God." Then in verse 3 he continues -"I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith may not rest on men's wisdom but on God's power." 

Wow this really, really spoke to me. I felt so... inadequate today. Almost as if I wasn't gonna be good enough to serve God, I questioned myself and whether I was even prepared to take on something bigger. But this reminded me that everything we do in God's kingdom is first equipped by God himself. Nobody is ever ready to begin with, but we don't use our own strength to do it, God equips when He leads.

This was a coincidental verse in Joyce Meyer today. The exact same verse was used. Which brings me to the next point.

2.  Not everything can be reasoned by human wisdom

Joyce Meyer wrote: "You must lay aside carnal reasoning if you expect to have discernment." She talked about how Paul dealt with all the smart people in Corinth at that time who always needed answers and logic and reasons as to why things are this way. Which reminded me of a rather heated debate I had with a relatively close friend. His reasoning was about the same as J the very first time I asked him about his beliefs. Sometimes I wished I had the brain of Paul who taught so many people.  But in Chapter 3 he wrote "For the wisdom of the world is foolishness in God's sight". We often think we know so much, and how our reasoning needs to be like how the world reasons. But sometimes using how the world reasons isn't gonna get us answers to everything. In 1 Cor 2:14: "The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him". Perhaps what we think we know is different from what God knows, and maybe what we even reason and rationalize based on worldly standards might all be wrong. It is difficult to explain to people most of the time, because we are after all, all carnal beings. But time spent with God will reveal His wisdom that will aid us in discerning things in life.

3. God sees the motive and the heart of your actions

This was pretty scary to me. I set me questioning every single motive I have for my actions, from serving to the things I say etc. 1 Cor 4:5: "He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts."

wowow. Yknow how things appear to others how you'd like them to appear? (manipulating emotions is something alot of us subconsciously do actually). To think that God will expose our true motives and intentions of everything we say and do... is pretty damn scary to say the least.

4. Take action

1 Cor 4:20 - "For the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk, but of power."

This resonated with Ps Ed's sermon today. There is always something to be done in God's kingdom. You can't always say "I'm not ready". Because, let's face it, we'll all never be ready. He then added, if you need more knowledge then go get it. In other words he meant that if you think you're lacking somewhere and that's preventing you from taking the next step, do something about it. Don't sit around and let others (proxy as he calls it) do the work for you. I think everyone has a part to play. And as I was sitting by ECP today after my run, I opened my bible app and talked to God about my inadequacies. And I got this: The heading was "confirming one's calling" - “For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.”

2 Peter 1:5-9 NIV

This reminds us to take action and continue moving in becoming more Christ-like. As long as we possess the qualities in increasing measure, somehow we will be able to be blessed to be a blessing to others. Sure the start isn't easy, but we all gotta start.

5. Sexual sin is sinning against your own body

So this is just a side point. Came across this and never realised how other sins are actually externally related, like lying/murder/idolatry etc. But sexual sin "is (sinning) against his own body" - 1 Cor 6:18

hmm was a good food for thought. 

Okay pretty much too shag to continue. Not even sure if what I wrote makes sense but yup. 

Total Surrender

Of course, with letting go, comes surrendering. Are they not the same things you ask? Almost. Except that, letting go does not entail giving up control of what is to come. For example, as a parent, you let go of your child's hand, but there are so many things you'd like him to do and maybe you try to guide him to do just that. That's not giving up control. Letting him explore what he wants to do without your influence is giving up the control you have over him at that moment. That to me is surrendering.

In the past, I told myself, okay, let's surrender now, I'll let go of so and so. Then there I was swiping  tinder, not trusting that God would bring who I needed at the right and opportune time. Of course I paid for my actions, I had to bear the consequences of my impatience. There's a fine line between "making things happen" and trusting God that it will happen. Sometimes in the excruciating wait, peer pressure from people who go "you so old, haven't find boyfriend yet, go do something about it", and even remarks from your previous love to give tinder a try because he totally has moved on; you get inpatient. Frustrated even. It's not surprising that you'll take things into your own hands, try to make your own destiny happen. While sometimes it may work, like how hardwork and perseverance pays off. However when God tells you to be patient and wait, yet you do otherwise, you know you just dug your own grave.

Surrendering is difficult. Really difficult. And I can see why, especially in Singapore, where everyone is just rushing EVERYWHERE. There's no time to sit back and wait. Everything must be done now, now and NOW. If you sit back and relax a little, people talk, making you feel idle. If you could do something about it, why don't you? If you could get that high paying job, why don't you? If you want that pretty girl, why don't you do something? If you want that hot beach bod, why are you sitting and eating that tub of ice cream? I think we've all been brought up in a society where if we want something, we have to work for it. It's all within our reach, ALL, EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, it is true to a certain extent, and we do have to work for things. After all Ecclesiastes 10:18  states that "Through laziness, the rafters sag; because of idle hands, the house leaks." We're not called to just sit back and relax and watch whatever we want appear in front of our eyes. But here's also the danger - there will be things that we cannot control, things that no matter how much we fight and work for it, when God says no, it is a no. When God says wait, you jolly well better wait.

Surrendering is a constant struggle for me, because when things don't go the way I want it to, I try to make it happen the way I want it to. Even if God says no. This causes a lot of actions to be undone, a lot of time to go to waste, which in turn creates a heck load of frustration. Frustration with myself, frustration with God. Then I find myself back at square one. It is so exasperating to go one whole round only to realise you're back where you first started. Over the past week of letting go, I found it hard to surrender. I told God I've already let go, but why, why am I feeling so broken inside? Why does it still hurt and sting so badly. Why isn't everything going the way I wanted it to? What is with all these tears I can't put into words? Why is it that even the person who caused hurt has his life all nicely panned out?
Then as I was talking to Lin today telling her how everything is just going terrible, she told me to keep pressing on in prayer. Which was what I've been getting the past week too. This verse -
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my saviour."
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Then I went for a run, did some circuit in the gym to get my thoughts sorted. Also read through Joyce Meyer's devotion which was pretty much the inspiration for today's post. It was titled, "Choose to surrender". It then dawned on me, I have let go, but i never truly surrendered. There I was picking up all the pieces, trying to analyse why did things turn out this way. With every piece I let go, I unconsciously picked up other pieces that showed I haven't surrendered.
The devotion said:

"God has given us a free will, and the only way we will ever belong to Him completely is to give ourselves freely to Him. He will never force us to love Him or serve Him. He will speak to us, lead us, guide us, and prompt us, but He will always leave the decision to surrender up to us."

So tonight, I choose to surrender. I choose to wake up every morning and pray "Your will be done, not mine". With surrendering, comes a lot of patience. Patience to wait on what God has promised. In an old sermon last year or so, the pastor told us, "surrendering is not giving up, it is letting go of the control, and letting God take the wheel." Today during worship God gave me a vision. There He was trying to wrap me in His embrace, yet there I was pushing Him away. But as I asked myself why? I realised that I have been so stubborn and in that process, maybe a little angry with God. I remembered going back to His embrace and returning the hug. And guess what, an image of a broken heart was taken from me, and He gave me a new, whole, and restored heart. It hit me then that only if I let God do the work and run back into His embrace will all this pain heal. The final song was the kids song "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so", which I began to tear and couldn't voice the words. I knew Jesus loves me, but do I really really know it or do I choose to not believe it?

Only in total surrender will God start to begin His work in our lives, because that's when we stop forcing our own destiny and start being obedient to His purposes. That's not a sign of weakness and idleness, but knowing that there's a higher being who knows best and we can rest in that knowledge. 

Surrendering, just like forgiveness and letting go, is a conscious effort. You don't do it just once. You do it again and again, and again.

Letting Go

This week has been pretty trying. This week was also when I stepped in to new, albeit temporary phase in life.

This week has been a lot of tears, a lot of adjustments, and probably a lot of self inflicted heartache.

But this week, I chose to let go of something that I’ve been holding on for a good 5 years. When I mean let go, I mean REALLY letting go. Which included bursting the bubble of the person returning, throwing everything that reminded me of him as well. Strangely though, it was a feeling of relief. Each time things didn’t work out with someone else, I’d always think, okay maybe God is trying to say, it is him all along. I burst that stupid bubble too. With that decision, I found myself letting go of all the past hurts which included forgiving as well. Forgiving the ones that didn’t work out, forgiving myself for perhaps not being able to work it out and beating myself up for it.

What’s different was that, in the 5 years, it was so easy or rather, easier to let go, cos I only did so when someone else could fill the void. Someone else that told me he wasn’t worth it, his loss, someone who, to put it simply “loved” me. This time though, letting go was painful because, God spoke to me about it on Instagram - Abraham letting go of Isaac. And Isaac was his ONLY son. He didn’t let go of Isaac just because he knew he had a back up. But he did so knowing that it was God’s will and God knew best. I realised that unknowingly in the 5 years, the thing I was holding onto, became my Isaac. Letting go each year was so easy because I always had someone else there. Someone else who proved (at that time) to be much better. But then when things fell apart, I realised that maybe I have never really fully let go. This week was painful because I knew I had to do it. I fought every urge to text him, I fought away every thought of a possibility of him returning. It was a constant battle of the heart and mind. Then I also had to fight the hurt inflicted from someone who, 6 months back almost came close to being my “light at the end of the end of the tunnel”. The one who did bring sunshine on the rainy days yet the one who caused my world to fall apart too.

Then it made me realise this time that… You know maybe year after year, God was trying to tell me that maybe the only one who can fully truly help me to let go and fill the void was Him. That no other human could help me fill that void. Honestly speaking, it’s so damn easy to say, but I can tell you, it’s damn difficult to do. When you always had a “back up plan”, now you’re back at ground zero, with nothing. Literally nothing.

There were days during the week, almost everyday, I’d wake and ask God, how long? Have you forgotten me? Why does it seem you have a plan for everyone BUT ME? It was hard. Catching yourself tearing on bus rides to meet your friends, trying to appear neutral when all you feel like is breaking down. Your mind will flutter to thoughts of your first love that didn’t work out because of religion. Your thoughts will tell you that maybe all this waiting wasn’t worth it. When the Aunty prayed over you and told you “God will not shortchange you”, you doubt it. Your doubt every word of it. You asked God if everything you’ve been hearing was all a lie. If giving up a great love at that time was worth it.

But yesterday, I questioned, what does it mean to truly, TRULY let go? I cleared something that meant a lot to me - the flowers sitting on my table, the ones that never died. The soft toy on my bed since 4 years ago. With that, I threw away a quarter of my life. Naturally, I felt a huge hole in my heart. I felt empty. And this time there wasn’t anyone to fill it, even the words people said were cutting. It didn’t help that it was the truth, and as much as you’d like to believe the good in the people you dated/liked etc etc, you knew deep inside your friends and fam were right. Your stomach does a churn and you feel sick inside, pain, to be exact.

But I listened to a sermon by ps Judah smith. Knew him from the Seattle conf I went. He talked about the disciples on the boat. He also mentioned how God is an anchor of our lives. And many atime we don’t see God’s had at work, because well, anchors can’t be seen. All we see and feel are the waves and wind of this life. It scares us, hurts us, and might even endanger us. But what we forget, is that anchors can’t be seen, but they are at work. Guiding us, pulling us down. He also mentioned that God isn’t a “helicopter God”. He brings us through the pains of this life, WITH us, anchoring us so that we’d get through the pain. He then ended with “when God promises, He delivers. Don’t give up.”

Tonight as I did quiet time, with a whole shit load of qns for God. Being tired of keeping the faith, morale was an all time low, but I read this:

“Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, "what are you making?”
Does you work say “He has no hands?”
Wow to him who says to his father, “what have you begotten?”
OR to his mother, what have you brought to birth.

This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel, and its maker; concerning things to come, do you question me about my children or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. I marshalled their starry hosts.“

Iasiah 45:9-12

Hit me hard. Everyday as I do QT God speaks. Like forgiving a brother in Christ, and being slow to judge him because I too probably do the same things. Everyday was tough this week. Everyday I still question. But Joyce Meyer devotion spoke to me too, and I could use it for cell as I led worship. Trust God, with the right attitude. That was how Joseph got from the pit to the palace. The right attitude. It’s difficult, but I know it’s the only way God’s purposes will come to pass. Last night’s worship song was deeper in love; which has been on my heart in the past weeks, and as I was scrolling though the DJ, I randomly stopped at that page cos someone called me out, when I came back it was the song I knew I had to use for worship.

"There is a longing, only You can fill.
A raging tempest, only You can still.”

Wanlin sent us her calendar verse of the day, and it said, “only when you let go of the "good” things, will better things come"
How apt.
People ask how dyou know God is real? When He speaks like this. In subtle messages over the week(s) meaning the same things. Walking by faith and not by sight is tough, but not everything needs to be seen with the eye to be real.

Only Jesus.