Steadfast love/Timor 2017?

It's been a week of trying desperately to hear from God. Ever since the insta fast and stuff I think I've been expecting huge boomz answers from God in the way I want Him to answer me. Nonetheless instafast has been great because it helps to not be so bothered by the idealistic lives that insta portrays. Or the stalking of people that I shouldn't be bothered about anymore. Haha.

I remember telling Lin how I feel like it's been a one way conversation with God. And all I've picked up through the extended time with Jesus is this: steadfast love.

I'd see verses after verses about steadfast love everywhere for the past week. Even IDT talked about steadfast love. This week's memory verse was on steadfast love as well. But I still don't know what God is trying to tell me through that. I mean yeah I know God loves me so very much. Or maybe it's just a different angle of His love that He's trying to show me. Which also probably is to deal with my inner fears.

// LOL think I typed that one week ago and fast forward one week... look who is going to Timor again LOOOOOL so Leong did ask me a few weeks back if i wanted to go Timor again, this time with the youths. And while it has been on my mind, cos Mary has been contacting me every now and then. But to co lead... I think I was a bit scared? still am actually. But I can't even begin to describe how good God has been to me this past week. Not the good as in good stuff happening but the good as in feeling rested and knowing that His love will hold it all together. I don't really like uncertainty, so it makes me uncomfortable and mission trips are really all about uncertainty. Plus... the lack of connectedness to the world, the dying to self, the feeling of really being alone. But anyway, back to the main point, so I told Jesus that if He wanted me to go, then someone would talk to me about it again. And so, Chan texted me last week. BUT GUESS WHAT I SAID.

"I'll pray about it."

HAHAHHA TROL SARAH. SO I spent the next two days praying about it and asking God for clear signs, which tbh I was expecting something cooler and in my face like a dream saying GO TO TIMOR SARAH. and ofc things don't always happen the way we want (hur hur Elijah), but God revealed himself in a different way that I thought I should journal, in case I regret my decision HAHA

Verse 1: "The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Isaiah 61:1

I got the above like twice, cos the first time I was in denial LOL. This was the verse that I got last year for Timor trip too I think.

Verse 2: "Ah Lord God, Behold I I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me,
"Do not say I am only a youth, for to all whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the Lord.

THIS VERSE. Really hit me. I was like telling Jesus who am I to even lead right. I'm not even equipped, missions always feels like something a huge step out of my comfort zone. Like HUGE. I mean, kids/youths/SST/events etc etc is fine by me, but missions... I SCARED LA. and to ask me to co lead a trip, I would never have thought of ever doing this, ever. But I thank God for the spiritual community who's been really encouraging, and all the confirmations like this verse.

Verse 3: Right after verse 1, I read this, "why are you afraid, O you of little faith?"
AHAHH YAZ DAZ ME O LITTLE FAITH U HAVE SARAH. you know that kinda moment when you think your faith is strong and you're so on fire for God, then He asks you to do something out of your comfort zone and you're like NOOOOOO. Then you realise how shallow your faith was. YUP. 
Need to trust God more.

So I didn't dare to tell Chan my decision, cos say already cannot take back right. Was texting Lin also cos I was gonna surprise her at her office, but got the wrong office (Google didn't update) and on the way there, guess what I read:

FACING YOUR GIANTS:
I don’t know about you, but David’s faith encourages me. We all face different kinds of giants in our lives. The question isn’t whether they’ll show up; it’s whether we’ll have the courage to load stones into our slings when the time comes. The question is: Will we trust the Lord?

When I imagine David on the battlefield, I usually picture him afraid. How could he not be?Sometimes the only way to face a giant is to do it afraid. Bobby’s fight wasn’t a fair one by human standards, but that’s the point, isn’t it? When we have the Lord on our side, the fight becomes supernatural. If God is for us, we’re assured the victory — whether here or in heaven. With this in mind, we go before God with the confidence of David.


So I texted Chan after and felt a peace in my heart, like I've finally done what has been on my heart the past weeks. The fear was still there actually. Couldn't really sleep on thur night, and I remember telling Jesus that I heard he miraculously helped this guy to overcome his addictions by removing that feeling. So I asked Him to take that fear away, that feeling that makes me feel so small and incapable. Guess what, I woke up at 5+ for my 8am class, got greeted by an amazing sunrise and by the end of friday, I felt excited. The next day it dawned on me that Jesus really did answer my prayer. 

Look at the pinkish skies and the clouds that spread out towards the buildings!

On a more practical note, TODAY I GOT MY FIRST GRAB HITCH PASSENGER!! Decided to give all the hitch money I earned for Timor fund - REALLY REALLY NEED TO FUND RAISE. And I know God will provide the passengers HAHA like how this dude was just next door to CEFC WDL and going to my area. Didn't even need any detours, and wew $15 for the fund HEHE TYJ. 
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Back to where I left off, I got reminded of what God has been speaking to me about steadfast love. It even appeared before worship today. I don't recall having verses before worship, but this one hit me too. 

"I will sing of the steadfast love of the Load, forever, with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations." 
Psalms 89:1

I googled what steadfast meant cos I was just curious to see what God was trying to say. It said, dutifully firm and unwavering. Isn't that a promise to hold onto? A promise that God's love is unwavering and firm, in all seasons. ALL. He sees what we're going through, and He doesn't promise that it'll end immediately, but He promises His STEADFAST LOVE. BOOM. What is fear when I have Jesus' steadfast love right?!
And that reminded me of this verse that I got during QT last week too:

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 
1 John 4:18

It felt like all the puzzle pieces joined together. Writing it out reminds me that God has been speaking - not in the way I wanted Him to, but it definitely was not a one way conversation that I thought it was.


More verses that I got on steadfast love the past week. Putting it here so I can remember God's presence when I feel He is distant.

"By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil." Proverbs 16:6

"He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes." 
Psalm 112:7-8

And on the flipside, I think God has been also trying to say that yes He will grant me steadfast love, but on my end, I need to be steadfast too - 

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him." 
James 1:12

So yes. Steadfast.

The past week has been one with so many amazing sunsets and sunrises. This little kid in me has been yearning for a rainbow since God knows when. But yeah God doesn't always show up the way we want Him to right?

Run last night at ECP haha. Look at the ball of sun!! Super amazing.

// Also, finally, I think I've found a CG that I can settle in, in the east. haha FOUND SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH TRANSITIONING TOO (and a fellow Sarah at that).

Still have a few unanswered questions like IDMCi/job, momentum LOL but I guess we'll see how God will answer those heh ;)

Jesus first

"But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

It's been crazy how this verse has been popping up everywhere last week. From the Sacred Search book that Leong recommended me to read, to IDMC to IDT memory verse this week. It set me thinking the whole week about it though. What does it mean to seek God's kingdom first? More serving? more QTs? I pondered hard over that and told God to reveal what it means to seek His kingdom first. You know the 4 words that Ps Barney told us to write down what God wants us to do after IDMC? Well, mine was, "Sarah, surrender and obey" HAHAHA

Trol. I am pretty stubborn sometimes. Always needing God to double confirm and confirm again before I proceed to do something. At times, it is good, other times, it just makes me go in circles. I guess that's also how I learn.

So yup, life is really super uncertain now. Was telling Wen how time flies when school starts, and wow to think it's already the 5th week into my final sem. "Isn't it good?" she asked. Yeah it is good, I mean took all the crazy mods of analytics and research this sem, and it's a torture. But as much as I want them to be done, what scares me is that there are no more semesters left for me to get through anymore. I have no idea what's gonna be in store for me next year, and for now, at least there's school to look forward to. Would be nice to know though. But as usual, that's how God stretches our faith too, to not always have to know what's coming next, but to believe that He has it all in the palm of His hand. Spiritual muscles being trained they say.

Still figuring what it means for me to seek God's kingdom first through. I guess... it's really all the disappointments from certain people... certain guys, broken dreams etc, if my hope is not in Jesus, then most of the things will always end up disappointing. In this period of waiting, perhaps it was really for me to figure out what it truly means to seek God's kingdom first.

Ending today's post with a verse that I got while praying for this year on 31 Dec 2016:

"And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." Luke 1:45

Grappling with the depth of this verse, reminded of the rainbow I saw in Timor. There are days when it gets tough to keep holding on. Maybe one day it will all make sense.

Obedience / Courage

Taking a break from this research paper that I can't seem to get despite spending the whole afternoon on it. Sigh numbers.............. But yes gonna try to do a post every week, though workload is picking up and school has been really tiring last week, but I'll try!

This week feels like God has transacted a lot with me. Started to intentionally carve out time to hear from Him, especially since I'm on my insta fast heh. Went for Huifang's momentum orientation yesterday and yaaa the burden for them is still there la. The commitment sounds damn intense and not sure how the weekly travels to WDL is going to pen out again. On top of that, been feeling abit scared that I won't be adequate enough or that I might disappoint the kids. YES super lame and irrelevant worries because that's the whole point of serving also - being weak but God enabled.

Leong reminded me that last night too, so I'm gonna put down some of the verses that I've got the past week about taking courage and being obedient.

We are nothing without God's equipping

"But who am I and what is my people that we should be able thus to offer willingly? For all things come from you and of your own have we given you." 1 Chronicles 29:14

The Lord calling Gideon --> Weak made strong in Christ

"Go with the strength you have and rscue Israel from the Midianites, I am sending you! Behold, my clan is the weakest in Mansseh and I am the least in my Father's house. And the Lord said to him, "But I will be with you and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."
Judges 6:14-15

Having courage because Jesus goes ahead before me and with me

"I took courage, for the hand of the Lord my God was on me, and I gathered leading men from Israel to go up with me."
Ezra 7:28

Obedience

"Go and he goes, and to another, come and he comes, and to my servant, do this, and he does it."
Luke 7:8

The laborers are few - go where He calls

"And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "whom shall i send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here I am! Send me!"
Isaiah 6:8

^ LOL at the exclamation marks haha what a reminder that it is a joy to serve and to be enthusiastic about it.

For some reason, sermon in the east always hits me so hard. I'm either crying during sermon or left feeling super impacted. Lin thinks it's cos of my calling there, but then again I don't know. But anyway today's sermon was on spiritual blindness and to see as God sees. We need to have the courage to act because we know God's hand. God is a covenantal God and He will be with us through whatever journey we are on. He is faithful and he empowers us. Ps Barney also talked about driving when it was all foggy - which is like my life now HAHAH (when school ends and december hits me nooooo)

But really, there's nothing I could have accomplished with my own strength. Nothing at all. Huifang gave us till Dec to be attached to momentum CGs to decide if we really want to serve here. Dec is also where Sunbeam ends, and I'll be full fledged in the east. Felt like God gave me an extra 4 months to sort out my direction, especially with regards to the east CG, ministry and all. Of which I am thankful, though some days the uncertainty does make me feel uneasy; but I need to learn to not let emotions drown out who God truly is and His perfect plan for my life. On a side note, got reconnected with a secondary school mate in church today who is looking for a cg to settle in! Invited her to my wdl cg but then again, it might probably be better if we could both go to the east cg, then maybe I won't be alone in this. yay.

Excited to see how God unfolds His plan, just need some perseverance and patience when the wait get tough.

Churning/disappointments + IDMC 2018

It's been awhile since the last update. So much has happened this past year, spiritually and emotionally. One thing for sure is that

God is faithful

May not have been the best person this year, been drained out so much that on certain days I'd ask God where is he in all this. The past months have been particularly painful with people coming and leaving life more than ever. Felt like this year was very much a pruning season in life. I remember a vision one day during worship about God cleaning my heart inside out and then I remember a still voice saying that "it'll be painful Sarah, but it's necessary". Some days i really really feel that pain. But I've also come to accept that if the old doesn't go, the new will never come.

Probably have not churned so much in a long while. The type of churning that causes you to see more internally about yourself. From a simple problem to digging deeper and realising the inner issues of the heart. I churned because I saw the ugliness of my insides, and how each painful situation gave me enlightenment on the insides of my heart and it linked to things that I thought I had already forgotten/gotten over. and gosh that was pretty painful.

Then came those who didn't mean what they said, and what they said a month or few months back didn't hold. All those broken promises and lies was definitely a lot to deal with. But one thing that hit me hard this IDMC was to not let my emotions rule over my judgment and walk with God. God is still God, and He is faithful, even in the pain.

The day my hope/dream of a person crashed, i have to admit I questioned God's plan. Did i hear him wrongly? Was I just overthinking everything? It was a time of spiritual reorientation for me - to still trust in that promise He had given me the past years. When He said He wouldn't shortchange me, i have to believe that. It was ultimately an issue of  my heart - what am I chasing after?

IDMC was really a good reminder for me. Even though more or less it's kind of the same issues you deal with from BTWs/camps etc, but it was a reminder. Re reading the Timor post reminded me of the Elijah story which coincidentally was the Bible reading for plenary 2. I remember feeling so impacted by it because I thought/felt that God's covenant promise must have definitely been me not hearing correctly.

Read that chapter many times before but wow Ps Edmund Chan broke it down into something that I have never thought about before. The passage is from 1 Kings 19, and these are the points that I took away:

God may not come in the way we expect Him to turn up

Just like how Elijah went up to stand on the mount before the Lord, we often seek God too. And just like Elijah who was trying to find God in the strong wind, the earthquake and fire, we expect God to show up with a boom! A word/vision or something just right slap in our face. We always want God to show up in the way we want Him to. When you feel like God has promised you something but all you got was disappointments, He is NOT a genie in a lamp.

God sometimes shows up in unexpected, quieter ways

Elijah finally heard God in a low whisper. God is God, He will do what He has promised and what He has set out to do. More importantly, we need to check on our heart condition before pushing the blame to God. The 2 applications is to worship the God who is and trust the God who reigns.

Obedience and settling the heart's condition

This one really hit me hard. Ps Ed talked about "thinking" we have surrendered but actually we keep asking why this and why that. But truth is, have we even settled our heart's condition? We need to return to the place where we have fallen. For mine, I definitely know it was from a shattered dream that I never knew I was holding onto so tightly until it was really gone for good. I asked God to show me clearly, and He did this year. Finally i could stop deluding myself and move on with my own life too. Whether or not I have heard wrong, or that God is fulfilling the promise in a different way, my journey now is to just be fully rested in Him. To seek first His kingdom and not chase after things only to end up being disappointed. Easier said than done of course, I still struggle on most days, struggle with hearing God sometimes. And like Elijah, I've been too absorbed in wanting God to appear in a certain way/show up in a sudden enlightenment etc. But maybe all He really wanted me to do was to just be rested in Him, to spend time in His presence, even if sometimes He doesn't speak. You know the kind of catch up you have with someone that you see so much that silences are never awkward and you're just happy to be with that person? Yeah i guess that's pretty much the same thing.

Been also thinking about IDMCi. Not sure if this is really where I'm called to be, but praying for sure, and I believe that God isn't confusing, and that He will truly open the door if He does indeed want me to be there. Not as a last resort (cos no job HAHHA), but because He showed me very clearly.

Also praying for ministry for the next year - gonna be back at Sunbeam WDL till dec due to unexpected circumstances, so I guess I have about 4 months to decide. The burden is still for the young people though. It pains me to know that many of them might not have encountered Jesus and have that personal relationship with Him. It'll only get harder as we all grow up, and I don't want them to lose their spiritual compass at an age where they need it most. Always wanted a mentor also when I was growing up, but never had one, really by God's grace that He provided along the way with godly leaders and a mum that encourages me in her walk with God. Hopefully this burden will be in line to what God has called me to do though.
To be honest, I don't know if I am be equipped enough but I guess... if God opens the door, there I'll go.

Much transitioning, from ministry to moving to the east, to finding a job.
Graduating soon and suddenly feels like my life is in need of so much direction, but I know that God is faithful, and with each step, He has already gone ahead before me.