I remember telling Lin how I feel like it's been a one way conversation with God. And all I've picked up through the extended time with Jesus is this: steadfast love.
I'd see verses after verses about steadfast love everywhere for the past week. Even IDT talked about steadfast love. This week's memory verse was on steadfast love as well. But I still don't know what God is trying to tell me through that. I mean yeah I know God loves me so very much. Or maybe it's just a different angle of His love that He's trying to show me. Which also probably is to deal with my inner fears.
// LOL think I typed that one week ago and fast forward one week... look who is going to Timor again LOOOOOL so Leong did ask me a few weeks back if i wanted to go Timor again, this time with the youths. And while it has been on my mind, cos Mary has been contacting me every now and then. But to co lead... I think I was a bit scared? still am actually. But I can't even begin to describe how good God has been to me this past week. Not the good as in good stuff happening but the good as in feeling rested and knowing that His love will hold it all together. I don't really like uncertainty, so it makes me uncomfortable and mission trips are really all about uncertainty. Plus... the lack of connectedness to the world, the dying to self, the feeling of really being alone. But anyway, back to the main point, so I told Jesus that if He wanted me to go, then someone would talk to me about it again. And so, Chan texted me last week. BUT GUESS WHAT I SAID.
"I'll pray about it."
HAHAHHA TROL SARAH. SO I spent the next two days praying about it and asking God for clear signs, which tbh I was expecting something cooler and in my face like a dream saying GO TO TIMOR SARAH. and ofc things don't always happen the way we want (hur hur Elijah), but God revealed himself in a different way that I thought I should journal, in case I regret my decision HAHA
Verse 1: "The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound." Isaiah 61:1
I got the above like twice, cos the first time I was in denial LOL. This was the verse that I got last year for Timor trip too I think.
Verse 2: "Ah Lord God, Behold I I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth." But the Lord said to me,
"Do not say I am only a youth, for to all whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the Lord.
THIS VERSE. Really hit me. I was like telling Jesus who am I to even lead right. I'm not even equipped, missions always feels like something a huge step out of my comfort zone. Like HUGE. I mean, kids/youths/SST/events etc etc is fine by me, but missions... I SCARED LA. and to ask me to co lead a trip, I would never have thought of ever doing this, ever. But I thank God for the spiritual community who's been really encouraging, and all the confirmations like this verse.
Verse 3: Right after verse 1, I read this, "why are you afraid, O you of little faith?"
AHAHH YAZ DAZ ME O LITTLE FAITH U HAVE SARAH. you know that kinda moment when you think your faith is strong and you're so on fire for God, then He asks you to do something out of your comfort zone and you're like NOOOOOO. Then you realise how shallow your faith was. YUP.
Need to trust God more.
So I didn't dare to tell Chan my decision, cos say already cannot take back right. Was texting Lin also cos I was gonna surprise her at her office, but got the wrong office (Google didn't update) and on the way there, guess what I read:
FACING YOUR GIANTS:
I don’t know about you, but David’s faith encourages me. We all face different kinds of giants in our lives. The question isn’t whether they’ll show up; it’s whether we’ll have the courage to load stones into our slings when the time comes. The question is: Will we trust the Lord?
When I imagine David on the battlefield, I usually picture him afraid. How could he not be?Sometimes the only way to face a giant is to do it afraid. Bobby’s fight wasn’t a fair one by human standards, but that’s the point, isn’t it? When we have the Lord on our side, the fight becomes supernatural. If God is for us, we’re assured the victory — whether here or in heaven. With this in mind, we go before God with the confidence of David.
So I texted Chan after and felt a peace in my heart, like I've finally done what has been on my heart the past weeks. The fear was still there actually. Couldn't really sleep on thur night, and I remember telling Jesus that I heard he miraculously helped this guy to overcome his addictions by removing that feeling. So I asked Him to take that fear away, that feeling that makes me feel so small and incapable. Guess what, I woke up at 5+ for my 8am class, got greeted by an amazing sunrise and by the end of friday, I felt excited. The next day it dawned on me that Jesus really did answer my prayer.
Look at the pinkish skies and the clouds that spread out towards the buildings!
On a more practical note, TODAY I GOT MY FIRST GRAB HITCH PASSENGER!! Decided to give all the hitch money I earned for Timor fund - REALLY REALLY NEED TO FUND RAISE. And I know God will provide the passengers HAHA like how this dude was just next door to CEFC WDL and going to my area. Didn't even need any detours, and wew $15 for the fund HEHE TYJ.
-----
Back to where I left off, I got reminded of what God has been speaking to me about steadfast love. It even appeared before worship today. I don't recall having verses before worship, but this one hit me too.
"I will sing of the steadfast love of the Load, forever, with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations."
Psalms 89:1
I googled what steadfast meant cos I was just curious to see what God was trying to say. It said, dutifully firm and unwavering. Isn't that a promise to hold onto? A promise that God's love is unwavering and firm, in all seasons. ALL. He sees what we're going through, and He doesn't promise that it'll end immediately, but He promises His STEADFAST LOVE. BOOM. What is fear when I have Jesus' steadfast love right?!
And that reminded me of this verse that I got during QT last week too:
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
1 John 4:18
It felt like all the puzzle pieces joined together. Writing it out reminds me that God has been speaking - not in the way I wanted Him to, but it definitely was not a one way conversation that I thought it was.
More verses that I got on steadfast love the past week. Putting it here so I can remember God's presence when I feel He is distant.
"By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil." Proverbs 16:6
"He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes."
Psalm 112:7-8
And on the flipside, I think God has been also trying to say that yes He will grant me steadfast love, but on my end, I need to be steadfast too -
"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him."
James 1:12
So yes. Steadfast.
The past week has been one with so many amazing sunsets and sunrises. This little kid in me has been yearning for a rainbow since God knows when. But yeah God doesn't always show up the way we want Him to right?
Run last night at ECP haha. Look at the ball of sun!! Super amazing.
// Also, finally, I think I've found a CG that I can settle in, in the east. haha FOUND SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH TRANSITIONING TOO (and a fellow Sarah at that).
Still have a few unanswered questions like IDMCi/job, momentum LOL but I guess we'll see how God will answer those heh ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment