Churning/disappointments + IDMC 2018

It's been awhile since the last update. So much has happened this past year, spiritually and emotionally. One thing for sure is that

God is faithful

May not have been the best person this year, been drained out so much that on certain days I'd ask God where is he in all this. The past months have been particularly painful with people coming and leaving life more than ever. Felt like this year was very much a pruning season in life. I remember a vision one day during worship about God cleaning my heart inside out and then I remember a still voice saying that "it'll be painful Sarah, but it's necessary". Some days i really really feel that pain. But I've also come to accept that if the old doesn't go, the new will never come.

Probably have not churned so much in a long while. The type of churning that causes you to see more internally about yourself. From a simple problem to digging deeper and realising the inner issues of the heart. I churned because I saw the ugliness of my insides, and how each painful situation gave me enlightenment on the insides of my heart and it linked to things that I thought I had already forgotten/gotten over. and gosh that was pretty painful.

Then came those who didn't mean what they said, and what they said a month or few months back didn't hold. All those broken promises and lies was definitely a lot to deal with. But one thing that hit me hard this IDMC was to not let my emotions rule over my judgment and walk with God. God is still God, and He is faithful, even in the pain.

The day my hope/dream of a person crashed, i have to admit I questioned God's plan. Did i hear him wrongly? Was I just overthinking everything? It was a time of spiritual reorientation for me - to still trust in that promise He had given me the past years. When He said He wouldn't shortchange me, i have to believe that. It was ultimately an issue of  my heart - what am I chasing after?

IDMC was really a good reminder for me. Even though more or less it's kind of the same issues you deal with from BTWs/camps etc, but it was a reminder. Re reading the Timor post reminded me of the Elijah story which coincidentally was the Bible reading for plenary 2. I remember feeling so impacted by it because I thought/felt that God's covenant promise must have definitely been me not hearing correctly.

Read that chapter many times before but wow Ps Edmund Chan broke it down into something that I have never thought about before. The passage is from 1 Kings 19, and these are the points that I took away:

God may not come in the way we expect Him to turn up

Just like how Elijah went up to stand on the mount before the Lord, we often seek God too. And just like Elijah who was trying to find God in the strong wind, the earthquake and fire, we expect God to show up with a boom! A word/vision or something just right slap in our face. We always want God to show up in the way we want Him to. When you feel like God has promised you something but all you got was disappointments, He is NOT a genie in a lamp.

God sometimes shows up in unexpected, quieter ways

Elijah finally heard God in a low whisper. God is God, He will do what He has promised and what He has set out to do. More importantly, we need to check on our heart condition before pushing the blame to God. The 2 applications is to worship the God who is and trust the God who reigns.

Obedience and settling the heart's condition

This one really hit me hard. Ps Ed talked about "thinking" we have surrendered but actually we keep asking why this and why that. But truth is, have we even settled our heart's condition? We need to return to the place where we have fallen. For mine, I definitely know it was from a shattered dream that I never knew I was holding onto so tightly until it was really gone for good. I asked God to show me clearly, and He did this year. Finally i could stop deluding myself and move on with my own life too. Whether or not I have heard wrong, or that God is fulfilling the promise in a different way, my journey now is to just be fully rested in Him. To seek first His kingdom and not chase after things only to end up being disappointed. Easier said than done of course, I still struggle on most days, struggle with hearing God sometimes. And like Elijah, I've been too absorbed in wanting God to appear in a certain way/show up in a sudden enlightenment etc. But maybe all He really wanted me to do was to just be rested in Him, to spend time in His presence, even if sometimes He doesn't speak. You know the kind of catch up you have with someone that you see so much that silences are never awkward and you're just happy to be with that person? Yeah i guess that's pretty much the same thing.

Been also thinking about IDMCi. Not sure if this is really where I'm called to be, but praying for sure, and I believe that God isn't confusing, and that He will truly open the door if He does indeed want me to be there. Not as a last resort (cos no job HAHHA), but because He showed me very clearly.

Also praying for ministry for the next year - gonna be back at Sunbeam WDL till dec due to unexpected circumstances, so I guess I have about 4 months to decide. The burden is still for the young people though. It pains me to know that many of them might not have encountered Jesus and have that personal relationship with Him. It'll only get harder as we all grow up, and I don't want them to lose their spiritual compass at an age where they need it most. Always wanted a mentor also when I was growing up, but never had one, really by God's grace that He provided along the way with godly leaders and a mum that encourages me in her walk with God. Hopefully this burden will be in line to what God has called me to do though.
To be honest, I don't know if I am be equipped enough but I guess... if God opens the door, there I'll go.

Much transitioning, from ministry to moving to the east, to finding a job.
Graduating soon and suddenly feels like my life is in need of so much direction, but I know that God is faithful, and with each step, He has already gone ahead before me.